the holiday

On Monday, I didnt do much of anything. I slept till about 11:30 then watched 3 movies. One of the movies that I watched was The Holiday with Cameron Diaz, Jude Law, Kate Winslet, and Jack Black. I had wanted to see it since it came out and had even promised my mom I would take her to see it. Well, that obviously didnt happen and she went and saw it herself. Then it was at the dollar theater by school but Lap and Sobes went and saw it without me. Its now out on video and when my brother and I went to Hollywood Video on Saturday to rent a movie it was there on-sale for only $7.50, so I bought it.
As I was watching it, I really on cared about Cameron Diaz and Jude Law. I started wondering why, was it b/c they were the more attractive ones, or was it b/c they were the ones that I knew would end up togther? No, it was b/c I related too well to Kate Winslet.
Why can't I tell myself that its over? I mean deep down inside I know that it is, but I dont know why or understand why I keep going back to him. He doesnt come back to me. I dont know why I find it so hard to just move on, walk away, and get on with my life, he obviously has. Sometimes I wonder what could have happened had we tried to make it work. I never saw myself married to him, and I think thats what made it so hard for us. I was 18 he was 8 years older than me. We were in 2 different stages of life.
When we ended things, it was so hard for me. I didnt want to end things that way, I wanted to try and stay friends. It isnt easy for me to just turn off my feelings like that. The way things happened and the things that were said were so hurtful, and I couldnt understand why he was saying them. After talking to my good friend Alex I kind of understood a little bit about what was going on. He was scared too, he didnt know what to do with the feelings he had, and since I now lived too far to make things really work and when I was there it was kind of against the rules, he had to just turn off his feelings. But he couldnt and the only way he could even try to make them turn off was to say and do the things he was doing.
When I finally thought that things were really done between us, when I had finally given up hope that anything would ever happen again, after 3-4 months of prayers, tears, and hurting, he came back saying he missed me. Saying that he missed the talks we used to have, the times we hung out, and the way I made him feel. And of course I was the naive 19 year old who thought that everything was going to work out perfectly and we would soon be back together. A little less than a week letter, I discover that he is dating someone and that it is very serious. How could he?
I was crushed and devistated. They fought and broke up a couple of times and each time thats when we would talk more. She didnt like me and obviously I didnt like her. I could never figure out why she didnt like me though, people told me its b/c she knew that him and I had something special, but I still couldnt understand, I mean, she had him, what was she worried about?
Needless to say after all that, I know have closure. Even though we talk about 2-3 times a week still, thanks to The Holiday and Kate Winslet I now know that it is ok to move on!