On Monday, I didnt do much of anything. I slept till about 11:30 then watched 3 movies. One of the movies that I watched was The Holiday with Cameron Diaz, Jude Law, Kate Winslet, and Jack Black. I had wanted to see it since it came out and had even promised my mom I would take her to see it. Well, that obviously didnt happen and she went and saw it herself. Then it was at the dollar theater by school but Lap and Sobes went and saw it without me. Its now out on video and when my brother and I went to Hollywood Video on Saturday to rent a movie it was there on-sale for only $7.50, so I bought it.
As I was watching it, I really on cared about Cameron Diaz and Jude Law. I started wondering why, was it b/c they were the more attractive ones, or was it b/c they were the ones that I knew would end up togther? No, it was b/c I related too well to Kate Winslet.
Why can't I tell myself that its over? I mean deep down inside I know that it is, but I dont know why or understand why I keep going back to him. He doesnt come back to me. I dont know why I find it so hard to just move on, walk away, and get on with my life, he obviously has. Sometimes I wonder what could have happened had we tried to make it work. I never saw myself married to him, and I think thats what made it so hard for us. I was 18 he was 8 years older than me. We were in 2 different stages of life.
When we ended things, it was so hard for me. I didnt want to end things that way, I wanted to try and stay friends. It isnt easy for me to just turn off my feelings like that. The way things happened and the things that were said were so hurtful, and I couldnt understand why he was saying them. After talking to my good friend Alex I kind of understood a little bit about what was going on. He was scared too, he didnt know what to do with the feelings he had, and since I now lived too far to make things really work and when I was there it was kind of against the rules, he had to just turn off his feelings. But he couldnt and the only way he could even try to make them turn off was to say and do the things he was doing.
When I finally thought that things were really done between us, when I had finally given up hope that anything would ever happen again, after 3-4 months of prayers, tears, and hurting, he came back saying he missed me. Saying that he missed the talks we used to have, the times we hung out, and the way I made him feel. And of course I was the naive 19 year old who thought that everything was going to work out perfectly and we would soon be back together. A little less than a week letter, I discover that he is dating someone and that it is very serious. How could he?
I was crushed and devistated. They fought and broke up a couple of times and each time thats when we would talk more. She didnt like me and obviously I didnt like her. I could never figure out why she didnt like me though, people told me its b/c she knew that him and I had something special, but I still couldnt understand, I mean, she had him, what was she worried about?
Needless to say after all that, I know have closure. Even though we talk about 2-3 times a week still, thanks to The Holiday and Kate Winslet I now know that it is ok to move on!
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Friday, June 8, 2007
God doesnt promise us tomorrow
Tonight while sitting on the couch looking at the SHHS yearbook with my mom and dad, we were talking about a boy from my brothers football that got in a fight the other day. We were also joking around and laughing and talking, then I got a text from my brother telling me to shut up b/c he was trying to sleep. I text him back asking him the last name of the boy, he said he wasnt sure but to try Lewow-Stroud. There he was Daniel Lewow-Stroud. Junior at SHHS, awesome football player and good friend of my brother.
Not even 30 min later my brother comes down from his room to tell us that Daniel had been in a terrible car accident and he and his brother were airlifted to USC Medical Center, and the third boy in the car had been killed. The accident was said to have been by one of my best friends houses so I called her, it was in front of her grandmas house and her brother was the one who called everyone from school to tell them. My brother then made a few calls asking people if they knew anymore about the accident. A couple of his friends were on their way to USCMC to see Daniel and his family.
The junior and senior classes at SHHS just had a huge assembly about car accidents and speeding and drinking and driving. This has come as such a shock to everyone. After posting a bulletin to 2 on myspace and trying to see if anything was on the news my brother finally made his way back to bed.
My dad soon followed and then my mom and I heard my brothers cell phone go off then he came down again. Daniel and his brother are going to be ok. The boy died b/c he hadnt buckled his seat belt and was ejected from the car. Ahh, a sigh of relief. Although the car was damaged and they were pretty beat up and a few broken bones they were gonna be ok.
I made a few text messages and a few phone calls. Posted a bulletin thanking those for their prayers and thoughts. Crying came from the stairs. "Poppy whats wrong" my mom asked. "He :sob::sob:sob: He....he didnt make it." My brothers friend David left him a voicemail saying that Daniel didnt even make it to the hospital, he died from internal bleeding on the way to USCMC. Everyone is so shook up, my brother cant even sleep. I dont know what to do or say to make things better. I know that I cant but it just makes me feel so helpless, my brother needs me right now and I dont even know how to help.
Life is so short. God doesnt promise us tomorrow, and this doesnt mean to live like you are invincible just b/c it could be your last. It means to make the most of your life but dont be careless. Daniel was in class and at football practice on Thursday, football ends at 6, in a matter of 4 hours, he was gone. He will never walk the halls of SHHS, wear number 63, or wear the green robe that would show he graduated. Its so sad to think that it takes something like this to get people to realize that life needs to be handled with care.
This is really taking its toll on my brother. The usually care-free 16 year old has so much going through his head right now. He even told me after all of this happened that he doesnt like me speeding down Cortez when I take him to and from school. It was just Tuesday when I took him to school and sped through that street like I was on a straight-away. I too now realize how simple actions like having "fun" speeding down a street can turn so many lives upside down.
Thank you Daniel Lewow-Stroud for opening so many eyes. Im just sorry that you had to lose your life in order to do that.
RIP DANEIL LEWOW-STROUD 6-7-07
Not even 30 min later my brother comes down from his room to tell us that Daniel had been in a terrible car accident and he and his brother were airlifted to USC Medical Center, and the third boy in the car had been killed. The accident was said to have been by one of my best friends houses so I called her, it was in front of her grandmas house and her brother was the one who called everyone from school to tell them. My brother then made a few calls asking people if they knew anymore about the accident. A couple of his friends were on their way to USCMC to see Daniel and his family.
The junior and senior classes at SHHS just had a huge assembly about car accidents and speeding and drinking and driving. This has come as such a shock to everyone. After posting a bulletin to 2 on myspace and trying to see if anything was on the news my brother finally made his way back to bed.
My dad soon followed and then my mom and I heard my brothers cell phone go off then he came down again. Daniel and his brother are going to be ok. The boy died b/c he hadnt buckled his seat belt and was ejected from the car. Ahh, a sigh of relief. Although the car was damaged and they were pretty beat up and a few broken bones they were gonna be ok.
I made a few text messages and a few phone calls. Posted a bulletin thanking those for their prayers and thoughts. Crying came from the stairs. "Poppy whats wrong" my mom asked. "He :sob::sob:sob: He....he didnt make it." My brothers friend David left him a voicemail saying that Daniel didnt even make it to the hospital, he died from internal bleeding on the way to USCMC. Everyone is so shook up, my brother cant even sleep. I dont know what to do or say to make things better. I know that I cant but it just makes me feel so helpless, my brother needs me right now and I dont even know how to help.
Life is so short. God doesnt promise us tomorrow, and this doesnt mean to live like you are invincible just b/c it could be your last. It means to make the most of your life but dont be careless. Daniel was in class and at football practice on Thursday, football ends at 6, in a matter of 4 hours, he was gone. He will never walk the halls of SHHS, wear number 63, or wear the green robe that would show he graduated. Its so sad to think that it takes something like this to get people to realize that life needs to be handled with care.
This is really taking its toll on my brother. The usually care-free 16 year old has so much going through his head right now. He even told me after all of this happened that he doesnt like me speeding down Cortez when I take him to and from school. It was just Tuesday when I took him to school and sped through that street like I was on a straight-away. I too now realize how simple actions like having "fun" speeding down a street can turn so many lives upside down.
Thank you Daniel Lewow-Stroud for opening so many eyes. Im just sorry that you had to lose your life in order to do that.
RIP DANEIL LEWOW-STROUD 6-7-07
Thursday, May 31, 2007
God knows what Hes doing
I was just telling Lisa how I was a little bit irritated that the family I nanny for called me and asked me to work tomorrow night instead of during the day. I already had a set schedule of mon, wed, fri mornings 9-1, now its like I have to change things around. But I got over it, but I still get paid bank with that job and I dont want to ruin it!
Just now the phone rang and the person on the other end asked, "Is this Stephanie?" Weird I thought but with all the stuff for school going on I didnt think much of it. Then she asked if I would be able to come in tomorrow and cover phones because Alison was out. It was Sandy from church! Yes, of course, awesome pay, awesome people, easy job, and I can still babysit at night!
God really knows what He is doing right now. Then in 2 weeks I will be working at church everyday for 2 weeks while Alison is on her missions trip.
Just now the phone rang and the person on the other end asked, "Is this Stephanie?" Weird I thought but with all the stuff for school going on I didnt think much of it. Then she asked if I would be able to come in tomorrow and cover phones because Alison was out. It was Sandy from church! Yes, of course, awesome pay, awesome people, easy job, and I can still babysit at night!
God really knows what He is doing right now. Then in 2 weeks I will be working at church everyday for 2 weeks while Alison is on her missions trip.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
isnt every youth group a little "saved!"
Tonight, I was watching the movie Saved! with Mandy Moore and Macully Culken and thought about my youth group and the youth group I currently attend. The one that I currently attend, I dont really know much about except for the fact that the people running it and the students in it seem to be way more on fire and focused on God than the youth group I went to in junior high and high school.
But, I can't help but think that there has to be a Hillary Faye and Mary (what was her last name?) in every youth group. Maybe not to the extant as the characters in the movie but all the same. I know that the youth group that I was part of growing up had a Hillary Faye for sure, in fact I think we may have had 2, at different times.
So much drama and backstabbing went on in this movie that I couldnt help but relate to so much of it. I mean, not all of it but for the most part, in my going on 8 years of being involved in youth ministry I have pretty much seen it all!
I know that I'm not perfect and I dont know whether I am proud or not to not be a Hillary but I have to wonder that if she were a real person what would God think? I mean yea, she wasnt the nicest person, and she definately had a weird way of doing things, but she did try to win souls for Christ, and ultimately isnt that what we are placed on this earth for? I'm not trying to say lets all go out and throw Bibles at people and try to perform excorcists on our backslidden friends but her heart was in the right place.
The movie although a bit sac-religious does have a good point. No matter what our sin, God will always love us and forgive us.
I guess I'm just going through a time of learning. Learning that just like God forgives us for everything I need to forgive everyone for the things they have done to those I love and to me.
AHHHH Lord, I need your help so much right now! Please lead me!
But, I can't help but think that there has to be a Hillary Faye and Mary (what was her last name?) in every youth group. Maybe not to the extant as the characters in the movie but all the same. I know that the youth group that I was part of growing up had a Hillary Faye for sure, in fact I think we may have had 2, at different times.
So much drama and backstabbing went on in this movie that I couldnt help but relate to so much of it. I mean, not all of it but for the most part, in my going on 8 years of being involved in youth ministry I have pretty much seen it all!
I know that I'm not perfect and I dont know whether I am proud or not to not be a Hillary but I have to wonder that if she were a real person what would God think? I mean yea, she wasnt the nicest person, and she definately had a weird way of doing things, but she did try to win souls for Christ, and ultimately isnt that what we are placed on this earth for? I'm not trying to say lets all go out and throw Bibles at people and try to perform excorcists on our backslidden friends but her heart was in the right place.
The movie although a bit sac-religious does have a good point. No matter what our sin, God will always love us and forgive us.
I guess I'm just going through a time of learning. Learning that just like God forgives us for everything I need to forgive everyone for the things they have done to those I love and to me.
AHHHH Lord, I need your help so much right now! Please lead me!
Sunday, May 27, 2007
home alone night #2
i woke up late for work/church this morning as I predicted. I should have been leaving my house at 7:30 to get there by 7:45. My dad called me to make sure I locked the door when I leave at 7:25...he woke me up! I was late, I got there at like 8:10ish but luckily Lisa was already there so when Joshua was dropped off she was there to get him! Thankfully I have all day tomorrow, well until I have to get ready for the game, to sleep so if I dont go to sleep til 3AM again I'll have more time to sleep!
My poor house in a mess, I mean I havent necessarily made the mess, but still, I had all weekend to clean and I didnt. Well actually I only had yesterday but still! The box to the new computer needs to be thrown/put away, the old computer needs to be put/thrown away, clothes needed to be folded and put away, a few dishes need to be done, and clothes from school STILL need to be unpacked and put away! I was gonna do it today after church, but things came up and then I didnt get home til about 30 min ago so needless to say, I didnt get any cleaning done. maybe after i post this blog, check myspace, bank, myspace, email, myspace, facebook, and myspace one more time I'll do some cleaning.
The fine arts team performed at the traditional service tonight. It made me kinda sad, I mean for the past few weeks I have been feelins sad about fine arts and what not, but tonight really made me sad. Going to the preview dinner was eh, b/c of things going on with Josh I didnt need the stress of him being there and the stress of performing so I was glad not to be in fine arts. Then when I got to help coach a few things it felt so good, the students listened to me b/c they knew I knew what I was talking about. At the actual competition it was cool b/c it was at VU so I knew my way around and yea it was cool. It was kinda sad though at the award ceremony when they were announcing who made it to nationals in what category and I never got to stand up or hear my name being called like it had for the past 3 years. Tonight when they were all performing in front of the church and I didnt close out the service as I had the past it just made me realize that I am growing up and it made me sad that I cant do the things I once "lived" to do!
Well anyway, I'm having an interesting night, but this blog is getting too long so I will be sure to post about it tomorrow before I go to the game!
My poor house in a mess, I mean I havent necessarily made the mess, but still, I had all weekend to clean and I didnt. Well actually I only had yesterday but still! The box to the new computer needs to be thrown/put away, the old computer needs to be put/thrown away, clothes needed to be folded and put away, a few dishes need to be done, and clothes from school STILL need to be unpacked and put away! I was gonna do it today after church, but things came up and then I didnt get home til about 30 min ago so needless to say, I didnt get any cleaning done. maybe after i post this blog, check myspace, bank, myspace, email, myspace, facebook, and myspace one more time I'll do some cleaning.
The fine arts team performed at the traditional service tonight. It made me kinda sad, I mean for the past few weeks I have been feelins sad about fine arts and what not, but tonight really made me sad. Going to the preview dinner was eh, b/c of things going on with Josh I didnt need the stress of him being there and the stress of performing so I was glad not to be in fine arts. Then when I got to help coach a few things it felt so good, the students listened to me b/c they knew I knew what I was talking about. At the actual competition it was cool b/c it was at VU so I knew my way around and yea it was cool. It was kinda sad though at the award ceremony when they were announcing who made it to nationals in what category and I never got to stand up or hear my name being called like it had for the past 3 years. Tonight when they were all performing in front of the church and I didnt close out the service as I had the past it just made me realize that I am growing up and it made me sad that I cant do the things I once "lived" to do!
Well anyway, I'm having an interesting night, but this blog is getting too long so I will be sure to post about it tomorrow before I go to the game!
start of something new
I have been reading the blogs of some youth ministry workers at Saddleback Church who will remain unamed for their privacy and mine and have decided to start a blog of my own.
I have a blog on livejournal but havent been on it for ages and its way back from j-high and freshman year of high school, i also have blogged on myspace but thats getting old. well not myspace but just blogging there!
basically i needed somewhere that i could call "home" and talk about the things i wanna talk about! so here it is, my new "home"
i have to be up and at church in exactly 6 hours which means that i need to get up in 5 hours to start getting ready! im not even close be being tired. i didnt drink caffeine today so i know that cant be it, but i think it may be the mixture of sleeping too much last night and the fact that i am home alone and will be tomorrow too! i have never been home alone over night/weekend! this is weird but i guess almost being 20 i need to get over some fears sooner or later!
ahhh....im almost 20. brett and i were talking about this today at hsm. he thought it was weird that i still went to hsm even though i have finished my first year of college and am almost 20. little does he know that i will soon be an adult volunteer there! but it got me thinking, i AM almost 20!! there are so many things one should have done by this time that i have not done nor will do by then. some of which i am proud of and semi-proud of!
proud of...
i have never drank more than a sip of alcohol and that sip was champagne at a wedding of which i did not like
i dont know what weed looks like or smells like
i have not had sex or anything close to it
i have not written a paper that was longer than 8 pages (i assume this will be accomplished before i turn 20 as i will be starting my sopmore year of college in august)
i have never done a bibliography or works sites page (see above)
semi proud of...
i have not had a real boyfriend (youll know what i mean by "real" in posts to come and no i have not had an imaginery one!)
i have yet to have my first kiss (im a girl its kind of a big deal)
i have never changed churches (i attend the same one as i did when i was a baby, but i also now attend saddleback church)
i guess i should go now, no one will read this but thats ok!
i need to figure this thing out!
I have a blog on livejournal but havent been on it for ages and its way back from j-high and freshman year of high school, i also have blogged on myspace but thats getting old. well not myspace but just blogging there!
basically i needed somewhere that i could call "home" and talk about the things i wanna talk about! so here it is, my new "home"
i have to be up and at church in exactly 6 hours which means that i need to get up in 5 hours to start getting ready! im not even close be being tired. i didnt drink caffeine today so i know that cant be it, but i think it may be the mixture of sleeping too much last night and the fact that i am home alone and will be tomorrow too! i have never been home alone over night/weekend! this is weird but i guess almost being 20 i need to get over some fears sooner or later!
ahhh....im almost 20. brett and i were talking about this today at hsm. he thought it was weird that i still went to hsm even though i have finished my first year of college and am almost 20. little does he know that i will soon be an adult volunteer there! but it got me thinking, i AM almost 20!! there are so many things one should have done by this time that i have not done nor will do by then. some of which i am proud of and semi-proud of!
proud of...
i have never drank more than a sip of alcohol and that sip was champagne at a wedding of which i did not like
i dont know what weed looks like or smells like
i have not had sex or anything close to it
i have not written a paper that was longer than 8 pages (i assume this will be accomplished before i turn 20 as i will be starting my sopmore year of college in august)
i have never done a bibliography or works sites page (see above)
semi proud of...
i have not had a real boyfriend (youll know what i mean by "real" in posts to come and no i have not had an imaginery one!)
i have yet to have my first kiss (im a girl its kind of a big deal)
i have never changed churches (i attend the same one as i did when i was a baby, but i also now attend saddleback church)
i guess i should go now, no one will read this but thats ok!
i need to figure this thing out!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)